Vampires Walk Among Us

This Easter there are those who will rise early to greet the sun or celebrate Christ's resurrection in church wearing new clothes, perhaps even a traditional Easter bonnet. People, whether Christian or not, will have hidden eggs for their children to find, and saved a chocolate bunny for themselves. This year there have been and will be a trickle of zombie Jesus jokes on Twitter. I write about vampires.

I was tempted by the zombie comparison (the dead rise and walk among us), but as usual, it is the fascination that some people have for vampires that fascinates me.

I recently got an e-mail from Amazon, quickly deleted, letting me know the fourth installment of the Twilight series is out or about to be out, whatever. I didn't read that far. I've done my annual pondering of the idiocy of those who watch the TV shows and spend good money on the books and movies, demonstrating fervent devotion to the concept that vampires are sexy, and to be desired, even though the whole concept is about Bloody Marys, literally.

This year I have compiled a list of the non-fiction vampires among us we really need to worry about.

The Westboro Baptist Church. Those blood-suckers protest at the funerals of our fallen soldiers. They give Christians and Baptists, with whom they are NOT associated, a bad name.

The ministers of the Christian Right. They are loud, they are on TV, they have mega-churches and rock bands, and lots of pretty families following them, but thankfully, they are still in the minority, at least outside of the South. Why do I think they are vampires? Because they are self-righteous, patriarchal, sexist, narrow-minded, Old-Testament despisers of the rest of us Christians who would suck the freedom to think, reason, and choose right out of our life and our country if we let them. It is their way of life, their interpretation of the Bible, their version of marriage, or you go to Hell. Homosexuals are evil. Science is bad. Evolution is a fairy tale. They're going to fly up into the clouds like pure white doves, and Jesus is going to come down with a bloody sword and show us the rest of us what's what. They are Puritans in living color who flock to the XXX porn shops along the Interstate, and get their jollies watching sexy vampire movies.

The Tea Party movement, or Teabaggers. They get their unfair and unbalanced news from Fox, and are typically white and xenophobic. I used a big word, xenophobic, because most of them, if they read this, will have to look it up to find out what it means. They remember something, something about the Boston Tea Party and the Declaration of Independence, and the rest of their opinions are spoon-fed to them by real vampires like Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Brunette Barbie Sarah Palin, and the vampire rulers who hide in the dark pulling their strings. Teabaggers don't handle paragraphs or logical sequential reasoning well, so if you just pepper your discourse with words like FREEDOM, SOCIALISM, SOCCER MOM, TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY, and RELOAD, they will rise up, poorly-spelled signs in hand, and follow you anywhere. So, not zombies, not quite vampires, but starring in a supporting role.

The previous two Easters, I wrote about the vampires in your personal life you need to avoid, the passive-aggressives in the home and the workplace, but this year, I'm feeling political. I take it personally when idiots try to suck the freedom out of our country in the name of freedom. The distinction between real news and propaganda have become blurred in the media. Smart people need to learn the difference. I don't know that there's much we can do about the dumb people. Like the poor Jesus told us about, they will always be with us.

So, this Easter be a smart people.

Vampires R Us

For Sale on Etsy

Last year for Easter, I wrote about vampires. This year I find myself, oddly enough, thinking along the same lines. What is it about Easter and vampires?

Easter is about death. So are vampires.
Easter is about defeating death. So are vampires.
Easter is about life everlasting. So are vampires.

Easter is about love everlasting. So, according to the sign for sale on Etsy, are vampires.

Thinking about buying the cute little sign? Come a little closer and let me whisper into your ear: 

Really? Only a vampire can love you forever?  Does that mean your mommy and daddy don't? Not God, not Jesus, not Mohammed, nobody but a blood-sucking vampire? Did your boyfriend dump you and now ordinary isn't good enough? Feeling under-appreciated and hoping a vampire will see what nobody else sees, that you, like Bella, are really, really special? Are you hearing how pathetic this sounds? Wake up, get real, get over whatever it is you need to get over and return to the land of the living!

Moving on . . .
Easter is about the last supper. So are vampires.

Your last act is to be their supper. Yum.

Vampires are all the rage right now in books and movies. I get far more people coming to this blog because they google something about vampires than about ghosts or spirits.

Let's face it, the vampires are moving in. They're taking over. They're slowly insinuating themselves into every aspect of our lives. Is there some kind of conspiracy going on here? What is it going to take to get rid of these guys? 

The myth of the vampire is about questions we want answers to:  life, death, immortality. You can get some answers if you go to church, but hey, let's be honest, it's different information depending on which church you attend, or synagogue, or mosque, or temple. The basic story is we get life after death. What it's like and how you guarantee yourself a good picnic spot in a peaceful meadow as opposed to an uncomfortable one next to the river of fire and brimstone varies depending on the source. No wonder people are confused. Too many messages and too many messengers.

Besides, getting preached at on this topic in church isn't nearly as much fun as watching a vampire movie or reading a novel. With vampires, you get some of the same information with titillating sexual innuendoes thrown in for free. So what if it's bogus information. It's catching on.

Vampires haven't made much of a move on Easter yet, but I sense it is just a matter of time. Check out the following merchandise being marketed at Etsy where this little critter formerly known as "vampire bat" is trying to appeal to Easter shoppers merely by adding some cute bunny ears:

Easter Bat

Will it work? That's up to you. He's adorable, isn't he?

The Truth About Vampires

•Do vampires really exist?
•Certainly! They are all around us. We're surrounded by vampires.
•Really?
•No kidding.
•Is that one over there?
•No, not the teenage girl in black with the multiple piercings and black lipstick hiding behind her bangs making pouty faces. She may be a vampire wannabe. But no matter how much she wishes otherwise, she's just another case of teenage angst.
•What about that young man in the long black coat?
•No, he's just watched the Matrix a few too many times, although I wouldn't go near him. No telling what he has under that coat!

The vampires with the long fangs who suck blood are nothing to be afraid of. Generally, they only come out at Halloween in search of candy. Statistically speaking, it is impossible for them even to exist. According to physicist, Costas Efthimiou of the University of Central Florida, based on the way movies and books portray vampires, if they ever existed, they would have replaced humans in short order. Since vampire vic­tims become vampires themselves and launch their own blood-thirsty attacks on the helpless humans around them, their victims would have become vampires, and their victims' victims, and their victims' victims' victims, and the number of vampires would have grown quickly in a process known as geometric progression.

“If vampires truly feed with even a tiny fraction of the frequency that they are depicted to in the movies and folklore, then the human race would have been wiped out quite quickly after the first vampire ap­peared.”

Efthimiou supposed that the first vampire arose Jan. 1, 1600, around the beginning of a century during which some of the first important modern writings on vampires appeared. The researchers estimated the global population at that time, based on historical records, as 537 million.

Assuming that the vampire fed once a month and the victim turned into a vampire, there would be two vampires on Feb. 1, four the next month, and eight the month after that. All humans would be vam­pires with in 2½ years. “Humans can not survive under these conditions, even if our population were doubling each month,” which is well beyond human capacities, Efthimiou said.

Math vs. vampires: vampires lose

The vampires you really ought to be worrying about are the ones commonly disguised as family and friends.

That's right, they can suck the life right out of you and not leave a mark.

How do you spot them? The vampires among you expect you to do much for them, with them doing little in return. They are the friend who constantly needs you to do them a favor, but always manages to avoid being the helping hand you need in return. They are the teenagers who feel comfortable bringing home D's on their report cards and still expect you to do their laundry and clothe them head to toe in the latest baggy pants style with matching tennis shoes at a cost greater than anything you have in your closet. They are the mother, mother-in-law, husband, teenager, boss, co-worker or (fill in the blank) ____________ you will never be able to please.


These monsters only exist if we enable them. You are NOT, I say this emphatically, allowed to put a stake through their hearts, except metaphorically. Stop caving in to them. Recognize them for the energy sucking vampires they really are, and step back and find ways to cut them off from their energy source. They may curse you, but they will also stop treating you as a victim.

Why am I writing about vampires on Easter Sunday?

Bunnies. The Easter Bunny. Bunnicula. Vampire bunny gargoyles. And last, but not least: Cherub, the Vampire with Bunny Slippers.

(Oh dear, my link doesn't work any more. I think they've moved the show to itunes as a podcast, but when I went there, I got the message that it wasn't available in the U.S. (and I'm in Germany, so what do they know!). If anyone knows where to go to watch these episodes, do so, and let me know.)

It looks like you may be able to watch them here, and there's a good review, too, but I miss the old site. It was so nicely organized (sigh). I have only myself to blame for not keeping up with the show.

In the meantime, enjoy Episode 1 from Season Two. 

Cherub - Ain't No Mildly Irritating Fu from Stephen McCandless on Vimeo.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Chocolate bunnies all around!

Off with their heads!
For more about women and their fascination with vampires, click The Sexy Vampire.
Read the 2009 Easter Vampire Blog Only a Vampire Can Love You Forever.