Sunday, April 4, 2010

Vampires Walk Among Us

This Easter there are those who will rise early to greet the sun or celebrate Christ's resurrection in church wearing new clothes, perhaps even a traditional Easter bonnet. People, whether Christian or not, will have hidden eggs for their children to find, and saved a chocolate bunny for themselves. This year there have been and will be a trickle of zombie Jesus jokes on Twitter. I write about vampires.

I was tempted by the zombie comparison (the dead rise and walk among us), but as usual, it is the fascination that some people have for vampires that fascinates me.

I recently got an e-mail from Amazon, quickly deleted, letting me know the fourth installment of the Twilight series is out or about to be out, whatever. I didn't read that far. I've done my annual pondering of the idiocy of those who watch the TV shows and spend good money on the books and movies, demonstrating fervent devotion to the concept that vampires are sexy, and to be desired, even though the whole concept is about Bloody Marys, literally.

This year I have compiled a list of the non-fiction vampires among us we really need to worry about.

The Westboro Baptist Church. Those blood-suckers protest at the funerals of our fallen soldiers. They give Christians and Baptists, with whom they are NOT associated, a bad name.

The ministers of the Christian Right. They are loud, they are on TV, they have mega-churches and rock bands, and lots of pretty families following them, but thankfully, they are still in the minority, at least outside of the South. Why do I think they are vampires? Because they are self-righteous, patriarchal, sexist, narrow-minded, Old-Testament despisers of the rest of us Christians who would suck the freedom to think, reason, and choose right out of our life and our country if we let them. It is their way of life, their interpretation of the Bible, their version of marriage, or you go to Hell. Homosexuals are evil. Science is bad. Evolution is a fairy tale. They're going to fly up into the clouds like pure white doves, and Jesus is going to come down with a bloody sword and show us the rest of us what's what. They are Puritans in living color who flock to the XXX porn shops along the Interstate, and get their jollies watching sexy vampire movies.

The Tea Party movement, or Teabaggers. They get their unfair and unbalanced news from Fox, and are typically white and xenophobic. I used a big word, xenophobic, because most of them, if they read this, will have to look it up to find out what it means. They remember something, something about the Boston Tea Party and the Declaration of Independence, and the rest of their opinions are spoon-fed to them by real vampires like Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Brunette Barbie Sarah Palin, and the vampire rulers who hide in the dark pulling their strings. Teabaggers don't handle paragraphs or logical sequential reasoning well, so if you just pepper your discourse with words like FREEDOM, SOCIALISM, SOCCER MOM, TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY, and RELOAD, they will rise up, poorly-spelled signs in hand, and follow you anywhere. So, not zombies, not quite vampires, but starring in a supporting role.

The previous two Easters, I wrote about the vampires in your personal life you need to avoid, the passive-aggressives in the home and the workplace, but this year, I'm feeling political. I take it personally when idiots try to suck the freedom out of our country in the name of freedom. The distinction between real news and propaganda have become blurred in the media. Smart people need to learn the difference. I don't know that there's much we can do about the dumb people. Like the poor Jesus told us about, they will always be with us.

So, this Easter be a smart people.