Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Truth About Vampires

•Do vampires really exist?
•Certainly! They are all around us. We're surrounded by vampires.
•No kidding.
•Is that one over there?
•No, not the teenage girl in black with the multiple piercings and black lipstick hiding behind her bangs making pouty faces. She may be a vampire wannabe. But no matter how much she wishes otherwise, she's just another case of teenage angst.
•What about that young man in the long black coat?
•No, he's just watched the Matrix a few too many times, although I wouldn't go near him. No telling what he has under that coat!

The vampires with the long fangs who suck blood are nothing to be afraid of. Generally, they only come out at Halloween in search of candy. Statistically speaking, it is impossible for them even to exist. According to physicist, Costas Efthimiou of the University of Central Florida, based on the way movies and books portray vampires, if they ever existed, they would have replaced humans in short order. Since vampire vic­tims become vampires themselves and launch their own blood-thirsty attacks on the helpless humans around them, their victims would have become vampires, and their victims' victims, and their victims' victims' victims, and the number of vampires would have grown quickly in a process known as geometric progression.

“If vampires truly feed with even a tiny fraction of the frequency that they are depicted to in the movies and folklore, then the human race would have been wiped out quite quickly after the first vampire ap­peared.”

Efthimiou supposed that the first vampire arose Jan. 1, 1600, around the beginning of a century during which some of the first important modern writings on vampires appeared. The researchers estimated the global population at that time, based on historical records, as 537 million.

Assuming that the vampire fed once a month and the victim turned into a vampire, there would be two vampires on Feb. 1, four the next month, and eight the month after that. All humans would be vam­pires with in 2½ years. “Humans can not survive under these conditions, even if our population were doubling each month,” which is well beyond human capacities, Efthimiou said.
Math vs. vampires: vampires lose

The vampires you really ought to be worrying about are the ones commonly disguised as family and friends.

That's right, they can suck the life right out of you and not leave a mark.

How do you spot them? The vampires among you expect you to do much for them, with them doing little in return. They are the friend who constantly needs you to do them a favor, but always manages to avoid being the helping hand you need in return. They are the teenagers who feel comfortable bringing home D's on their report cards and still expect you to do their laundry and clothe them head to toe in the latest baggy pants style with matching tennis shoes at a cost greater than anything you have in your closet. They are the mother, mother-in-law, husband, teenager, boss, co-worker or (fill in the blank) ____________ you will never be able to please.

These monsters only exist if we enable them. You are NOT, I say this emphatically, allowed to put a stake through their hearts, except metaphorically. Stop caving in to them. Recognize them for the energy sucking vampires they really are, and step back and find ways to cut them off from their energy source. They may curse you, but they will also stop treating you as a victim.

Why am I writing about vampires on Easter Sunday?

Bunnies. The Easter Bunny. Bunnicula. Vampire bunny gargoyles. And last, but not least: Cherub, the Vampire with Bunny Slippers.

(Oh dear, my link doesn't work any more. I think they've moved the show to itunes as a podcast, but when I went there, I got the message that it wasn't available in the U.S. (and I'm in Germany, so what do they know!). If anyone knows where to go to watch these episodes, do so, and let me know.)

It looks like you may be able to watch them here, and there's a good review, too, but I miss the old site. It was so nicely organized (sigh). I have only myself to blame for not keeping up with the show.

In the meantime, enjoy Episode 1 from Season Two. 

Cherub - Ain't No Mildly Irritating Fu from Stephen McCandless on Vimeo.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Chocolate bunnies all around!

Off with their heads!

For more about women and their fascination with vampires, click The Sexy Vampire.

Read the 2009 Easter Vampire Blog Only a Vampire Can Love You Forever.


  1. Hey! Sorry I've been MIA. I have only the usual weak excuses. Hope all is well with you.

    I hope Gerry read your post since she has an interest in vampires. Simple math has set us all free. It's a terrific post too. Yes, the real vampires are living in our houses, at our workplaces or just one phone call away. I know a few myself. I'm better at clamping my hand over my neck and waving garlic at them than I was when younger. Old age sort of helps cut through all the 'pleasing' behaviors that strangle us when we're too young to know any better. But even an old gal can find herself sucked in again if we're not careful. The moral of the story is to always smell like garlic and people will leave you alone.

    When my boys were little, we read Bunnicula. A lot. It's a delightful book. I'm afraid it's been a while since I read it; I should do so again.

  2. Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked it. I've had plenty of experience with the vampires in my own life, and some of them are harder to get away from than others! LOL

    We aren't any of us getting any younger, so my advice, is grab all the freedom you can, get out from under, and find some time to do your own thing before it's too late. : ))